The State of Separation: A Shower, a Spiritual Experience, and the Longing to Come Home

During the years I was working to heal the injuries from my near-death accident, I had an experience that changed the way I understood human pain, spiritual separation, and humanity itself.

It happened in Boulder, Colorado, while I was under the professional care of an exceptional chiropractic doctor. As part of a prescribed natural-treatment plan, he selected an isopathic remedy from Germany—similar in principle to homeopathy—that was intended to work deeply within bones to relieve stress. The treatment involved a carefully timed series of intramuscular injections. He administered the first dose in his office and sent me home with the remaining prescribed doses and precise instructions about when to take them.

This was not self-experimentation drug use, or a psychedelic experience. I was following the treatment plan of a doctor who was supervising my care.

One bright afternoon, approximately fifteen minutes after taking the second prescribed dose, I suddenly felt an unmistakable inner instruction: Take a very hot shower.

The message returned with such authority that I almost instantly got in the shower.

As the super hot water struck my back, I entered the most profound bliss I had ever known. There seemed to be no boundary between me and the Universe. No distance between God and myself. No separate observer looking toward Creation. There was only oneness.

Then, in an instant, the experience changed.

I felt as though I were passing from heaven into conception and physical life. The connection vanished. I was no longer part of everything. I was alone in form, dependent upon other human beings for life, love, touch, food, protection, and recognition.

I dropped to my knees under the water and sobbed from a depth in my soul I had never touched. In a matter of moments, I had moved from what felt like the heights of Heaven into unbearable mental and emotional pain of feeling separate from God.

The first thought that entered my mind was:

 “What did I do wrong?” “Where is God, I am so scared.”

When the experience passed, I went to bed and slept. I awoke several hours later still shaken by a question: Could the fear of separation be one of the deepest fears carried by human beings?

In the subsequent days I began to ponder…all souls come from the Oneness, all are conceived, could it be all humans share this same fear. I realized yes we just call it abandonment or fear of rejection or some aspect of that.

The prescribed treatment may have opened a door that day. What came through it became one of the most profound experiences of my life, shaping how I understand myself, the soul’s entrance into form, and humanity’s longing to reconnect with its Source.

More than an emotion

When I later described the experience to a friend involved in a mystery school, she gave it a name: the State of Separation.

She suggested that what I had experienced was not simply sadness, loneliness, or an intellectual belief. It was a deeper state of being—the felt loss of connection with Source on the spiritual level, humans experience through Mother and Father God. This is where a new category in our therapeutic work called Embodiment was formed called States-the fears of Mother/Father God.

That language helped me organize something I had sensed for years. Human beings fear criticism, abandonment, rejection, and isolation, but beneath these may be a more elemental fear: separation from someone or something with which we once felt completely connected.

I offer this as a personal spiritual interpretation, not as a universal fact that can be proven. Yet the pattern has helped me understand many people who experience an aching longing they cannot easily explain.

These beliefs are part of the evidence that conception or birth are traumatizing. Breathwork or “rebirthing” was specifically designed to deal with the trauma of being born.

The State of Separation helped me recognize that the human longing for God, family, intimacy, tribe, and home may arise from the same deep source. We want to know that we belong to something larger without losing the truth of who we are.

Perhaps the journey is not about escaping individuality. Perhaps it is learning to carry oneness consciously within it.

Invitation: Explore sensitivity, belonging, and the patterns reflected in your own eyes through the free resources in Start.

This article describes a personal spiritual experience and the meaning I derived from it. It is not presented as medical or scientific proof about conception, infancy, or consciousness.